A Biblical and Emotional Breakdown**
There’s a particular kind of pain that is harder to speak about—the pain caused by someone who hurt you and walked away without remorse. They didn’t apologize. They didn’t admit they were wrong. And worse—they might even believe you’re the problem.
So you ask: “Do I still have to forgive them? Even if they’re not sorry?”
This isn’t a shallow question. It’s one of the hardest tensions in the Christian walk. Because forgiveness is not just a theological idea—it’s a wound bleeding beneath the skin of our lives.
Let’s walk this slowly. Biblically. Emotionally honestly. No religious clichés. Just truth and clarity.
1. What Forgiveness Is — and Isn’t
One reason forgiveness hurts is because we misunderstand it. The Bible’s definition of forgiveness is not the same as denial or pretending.
Forgiveness is:
- Releasing personal vengeance—handing the right to judge over to God (Romans 12:19).
- Choosing not to let bitterness poison your heart.
- Moving from internal imprisonment to freedom.
Forgiveness is NOT:
- Saying what they did was okay.
- Forgetting it happened.
- Automatically trusting them again.
- Reconciling the relationship.
- Ignoring justice.
Forgiveness is something you can do even if the person never repents, because forgiveness is about what happens in your heart before God, not theirs.
2. But Doesn’t God Require Repentance Before Forgiveness?
This is the point where many people get stuck.
It’s true: God does not grant salvation-forgiveness (eternal reconciliation) without repentance (Luke 13:3, Acts 3:19). His forgiveness restores relationship.
But there is also a sense in which God offers a heart of forgiveness—an attitude—even before we repent.
- Jesus, hanging on the cross, said: “Father, forgive them…” (Luke 23:34) — before His executioners repented.
- Stephen, while being stoned, cried, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” (Acts 7:60) — his murderers were not sorry.
- God is described as “compassionate and slow to anger,” not willing that any should perish (2 Peter 3:9).
So what’s the difference?
📌 Forgiveness (heart posture) — releasing bitterness and leaving judgment to God. This can be done even if the offender remains unrepentant.
📌 Reconciliation (relationship restoration) — trust rebuilt, relationship repaired. This requires repentance and change.
Meaning: You can forgive someone without inviting them back into your life.
3. But What If Forgiving Feels Like Letting Them Win?
Here’s a quiet truth:
Unforgiveness doesn’t protect you. It chains you.
Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
It keeps you mentally tethered to the very pain you want to escape.
Forgiveness is not about them winning—it’s about you refusing to let their actions continue controlling your heart.
4. Forgiveness Does Not Cancel Justice
God never asks you to ignore justice.
- The Bible never teaches victims to stay silent about abuse or injustice.
- Forgiveness is not silence—it’s surrendering personal vengeance, not legal or moral consequences.
- You can forgive and still:
- Press charges.
- Set boundaries.
- Cut off toxic access.
- Seek counseling and support.
Forgiveness says: “I release hatred, but I still stand for truth.”
5. How Do I Actually Forgive Someone Who Isn’t Sorry?
This is not a switch you flip. It’s the working out of grace in a wounded place. It can look like this:
Step 1: Name the Wrong
You can’t forgive what you refuse to admit has hurt you. Sit with the truth of what happened. God can handle your rawness.
Step 2: Bring It to God
Pour it out like David did in the Psalms. Angry prayers are still prayers.
Step 3: Release Them into God’s Hands
Say it simply: “God, they don’t deserve it. But neither did I. I choose to release judgment to You.”
Step 4: Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Forgiveness does not require re-entry into dysfunction. Jesus withdrew from unsafe people (John 8:59; Matthew 12:14-15). Boundaries can be holy.
Step 5: Repeat as Needed
Forgiveness isn’t always one moment. It’s sometimes a process—“seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22). Forgive again when the pain resurfaces.
6. What If I Don’t Feel Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is not first a feeling—it’s a decision.
Feelings may follow slowly. Anger may linger. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Your heart is healing, and healing is not instant. God sees the intention, the direction—not perfection.
7. A Final Word — From Jesus’ Wounded Heart
Jesus was betrayed by a friend, abandoned by those who promised loyalty, misunderstood by family, falsely accused, and murdered by those He came to save.
He does not teach forgiveness from a distance—He teaches it from the cross.
He never said forgiveness was easy—He said it was necessary, not for His sake, but for yours.
If You’re Struggling to Forgive Right Now
Pray this—not as magic, but as honesty:
“Lord, You see what they did and what it did to me.
You are just, and I trust You with judgment.
I choose to forgive—not because they are sorry,
but because I refuse to let bitterness own me.
Heal me. Guard my heart. Teach me wisdom. Amen.”